Archive for July, 2019

Serving Rural America

Tuesday, July 2nd, 2019

Dear Commissioner Dan, It’s been my observation that some services aren’t being provided throughout the county but instead are concentrated in areas of greater population. This kind of classist system might be acceptable in some third world countries but I’m shocked to find that my family is on the list of “Have-Nots” in this community. It’s completely hit or miss when it comes to local deliveries. Good companies like UPS and FedEx have no problem delivering my favorite porcelain goat figurines for my collection from afar but when it comes to some local items – we in rural Bonner County are simply underserved. Could it be that city people get more attention because there are more voters and tax money there? I should hope not. Why is it that a simple thing like pizza deliveries is a total stumbling block for the commissioners to resolve? Is there anyone in the entire county that doesn’t like pizza? NO! I know from where you live you can’t get pizza delivered and yet you just ignore the problem that affects every man, woman, child, pets and many livestock in the county. I’ve never been accused of being a man-of-action until I started running for commissioner. Clearly, I’m the kind of visionary this community needs. I like you, Dan, and I’d be willing to work side-by-side as a fellow commissioner with you, but when it comes to solving problems in this county, you have to step up to the plate (pun intended). And don’t try to sell me on some frozen pizza delivered from afar via FedEx. Please, focus on the local pizza delivery issue because there are people starving for it in the community. Are you just going to let people, maybe your own neighbors, starve? Once this takes off, we can discuss the type of pizza that most people want. Being from Chicago-land, deep-dish is my favorite but there are many others who make a pizza shaped object that tastes good, too. And to all the pizza shop owners reading this, nobody in Bonner County makes Chicago-style deep-dish pizza. The market is just waiting for you to corner it and then deliver to my home (well, my mom’s home but I help with the yard work and stuff so it’s like it’s mine).
Thomas (A Concerned Citizen)

Commissioner Dan’s Response: Thomas, sorry for not responding sooner, it was a tough morning and I needed an extended nap just to get to the point where it was time to leave the office.

I understand your pain and as you know, I live in a “no fly” zone for pizza delivery. I was really trying to keep this under wraps until the Commissioners were ready to make a formal announcement but I will let you in on a secret as long as you promise not to tell anyone else.

We Commissioners have been working day and night to solve what is clearly one of the most important issues to impact rural county residents, the lack of pizza delivery. When we first started looking at this issue we felt their might be some racial issue here or possibly some discrimination with respect to disenfranchised rural resident and pizza delivery however what we found was even more startling. Apparently, pizza places aren’t properly located in strategic locations around the county to provide proper delivery coverage.

Once again we spared no expense spending precious taxpayer dollars reviewing this issue. We formed a blue ribbon panel to first study the issue. To assure their minds were free to fully provide room for creative solutions, we used taxpayer dollars to fly them all to Maui for a month long stay, all expenses paid….by the taxpayers. This allowed them the proper space to find only the best solutions for what is clearly now a life and death issue. Of course daily message, catered food and an open bar were part of the process and paying the $2.4 million price tag was the least we could do.

Upon their return flight, First Class of course, we had a viable solution. The first part of that solution was to creating our own bio-engineering lab in the basement of the County building. Of course, we don’t have a basement so we had to build one but the $1.7 million price tag was nothing. Really, it’s not our money so who really cares right?

Anyway, what we are working on are pigs and cattle whose meat consists of different types of pizza toppings. Bio-engineering and genetic alterations are amazing things. Right now you can get a meat lovers Steer, a pepperoni and pineapple hog and more. I won’t expand on how we get the pineapple in the Hog but, well you can figure that out.

Our crack team of scientist are coming up with new flavors everyday. The beauty is, you simply slice the the tissue, again, made completely of pizza toppings including cheese, into thick or thin slices. The pre-made crust will be delivered to each rural citizen for free because we all know there are all kinds of free things the government like to provide.

Simply put the sliced animal on the raw crust, pop it in the oven at 425 degrees for 12-15 minutes for thin slice and 15 – 18 minutes for deep dish and there you go.

We have a few kinks to work out but we are well on our way and it’s only costing taxpayers about $25 million. Oh by the way, the downside is we had to eliminate Road and Bridge, the Sheriff’s department and many other departments but, we will all have pizza.

I’m thinking there may be a Nobel Prize in it for us but who knows.


Originally Posted: 7/2/2019