Archive for August, 2019

-19 Degrees, August 13th

Tuesday, August 13th, 2019

Dear Commissioner Dan, this may be the last time you ever hear from me because I froze to death. So far, our water pipes have burst, I have frostbite, 3 deer have frozen to death on my lawn, and a bear has begun hibernating in my shed. Needless to say it hasn’t gone unnoticed here in Cocolalla that you’ve left the air conditioner running and you’re simply wasting taxpayer money on electricity. Don’t make me come down to the county building to deal with this. Well, I can’t anyway because my car won’t start but that’s not the point. Very angry. Very cold.
~Thomas (A Concerned Citizen)

Daylight Shaving Time

Monday, August 5th, 2019
RANT: Dear Commissioner Dan, as you know on December 18th, 2018 we had a rather heated exchange here on Facebook. Please don’t tell me you don’t remember because it was a critical issue that I brought to light (literally). You made a promise and I was very grateful because it “appeared” that you were truly a man of your word. Fool me once, Commissioner Dan! I’m sure that you recall, but maybe some others have forgotten because they were lulled into a false sense of enlightenment by your slick words so here’s the conversation:
It would appear that the county is going back on its grant of daylight to the people of our community. This is simply not acceptable and shows the dark side of government. He that giveth can also taketh away-ith! Has there been some decrease in our taxes? Nope – and yet services are decreasing by the day in such small incremental amounts that most people won’t notice. Believe me, I’m losing sleep over this and it’s your fault. Good grief man, have you no heart? Do you not realize what this means??? (Note THREE question marks because I demand answers!). I didn’t want to disclose why I wanted more daylight back then but since we’re almost colleagues in government with me running for election, I feel that I can open up to you a little more. Just you, nobody else. I lay in bed at night, I noticed that it’s getting darker at 8:00 p.m. and the beasts that live under my bed begin to stir earlier and earlier. They don’t take kindly to daylight and so, my life has been more peaceful with the increase in daylight and some changes to my medications. But now, I can only imagine dark days ahead. Stop it, Commissioner Dan, give us our money’s worth of daylight. Don’t test this man of action. I’m desperate and I don’t like to make threats but I know where you live. If I can’t sleep for fear of my life, you are going to know what it’s like to lose the sleep which you hold dear. If I can’t sleep, you and your wife are going to wake up with nightmares, in cold sweats, terrorized by your greatest fear. If I can’t sleep, you can expect to see my silhouette showing up in your bedroom doorway …asking for a glass of water every single night until you return daylight to the citizens of Bonner County.
~Thomas (A Concerned Citizen)

Original Posted: 8/5/19

Commissioner Dan’s Response: Thomas, first of all, this is fake news. The days are not getting shorter, it’s just your imagination brought on by paranoia, a common side effect of your medication. I would suggest you see your doctor soon about a change in your current medication and dosage.

As far as the beasts under your bed, in your closest in your head (to quote the great philosophers Metallica), those are actually real and the County has complete control over them. They are more than happy to do our evil bidding. So there are two ways this can go and neither are good for you LOL.

In reality, we thought we had a solution regarding our ability to stop the axis of the earth from tipping in it’s normal yearly cycle however the $100 million dollars of taxpayer money we spent (oh by the way, your property taxes just tripled because of this) was apparently a failure. We thought purchasing 10,000 winged unicorns to fly to the north pole and use their amazing winged powers to keep the earth from slowly tipping on it’s axis would work. Unfortunately, the Unicorns unionized and are now on a work strike. They want to be paid in Sasquatch meat, a rare delicacy for them and we just haven’t been able to find a single Big Foot to freed them. By the way, the search costs for Big Foot have escalated to just under $50 million so your taxes will have to double to pay for that as well.

We at the County will continue to spend as much as we can to help make good on this promise and have an idea which includes contracting with the Loch Ness monster, Leprechauns and some witches in hopes of achieving our promise for you. Money is clearly no object or barrier to achieving our goal to provide you with day after day of improved sunlight and warm temperatures. Of course money is no object because the only money the County has we take from you, so, fear not.

Keep your sunscreen handy as I think this time it may work.