Snow Plows in Summer

RANT: Dear Commissioner Dan, just because we are rural doesn’t mean we have to be uncivilized. I’d been thinking about a deer carcass I’d seen on the side of Highway 95 that died when it tried to occupy the same space and time as a Ford F-250. At the time I was with some visiting friends from the big city and they were upset when they saw body of the deer lying on the side of the road. I just didn’t have the heart to let them think that we often just leave the animals there to rot. So, I explained that on cold nights the deer like to sleep along the roads because the ground there is warmed by the sun. I told them that the deer is not dead; that this sweet creature is sleeping peacefully and will get up later in the day to frolic among the huckleberries. They were quite relieved by this and we went on our merry way. I guess I lost the chance to teach someone how to gut and quarter a deer before loading it into my car.  This was a mistake that became clear when they became suspicious the next day when the same deer was lying in the same position in the same spot. I mentioned something about “migration patterns”. They were inconsolable on the third day when they realized that this deer was very much dead. I guess there’s only so much we can do to hide the blemishes of rural life.

Speaking of blemishes, my tax dollars are currently paying for snow plows and trucks that are sitting idle at this very moment. It’s 2:30 in the morning and I can’t sleep but even if it were the afternoon they’d be sitting there rusting in some Chernobyl like waste land somewhere in Bonner County.  It’s often during these quiet times when my mom’s asleep that I come up with some of the most brilliant contributions to the county. Since we’re paying for these plows already, why not put them to work in the summer as well as winter. “But how?” I asked myself (because there’s nobody else here). And that’s when it struck me like a deer in headlights… literally.

Surely the men who run the plows are getting paid to do nothing during the summer. We could have them answer the phones when county citizens call in and report a dead deer, moose, skunk, whatever on the side of the road. These men who spend the summers keeping the dust off plows can be dispatched with their big trucks and big plows to go and, shall we say, make sport of the carcass and move it away from the road in a beautiful flight like an angel that just got its wings. This will result in fertilizing the grass along the roads. Such a service would make the county more pleasant and litter free. This is another win-win that I thought of and the kind of creative thinking I’m going to bring to the county when I’m elected commissioner. I don’t understand why the commissioners can’t work a little harder at 2:30 in the morning to come up with ideas like this.

~Thomas (A Concerned Citizen)

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Commissioner Dan’s Response: Thomas, you may not know that during the summer months we send our plow trucks to Florida to stay at the Villages retirement community. There they help keep flamingo’s, crabs and some New York retirees off of the cart paths at the golf course, a far easier job than plowing snow. This allows the proper amount of time for them to get the rest they need before migrating north to Bonner County to serve the taxpayers.

While in Florida, we have a specially trained group of dolphins who do the operating. As you know, the dolphins are warm water creatures which would explain why we don’t use them full time here in Bonner County.

As far as the men who run the plows and their work during the summer, we have them busy doing a great number of things. Many of them get involved in helping train young fish on how to swim and helping a few of the slow learner birds on proper flight technique. We have also found that many of our Road and Bridge operators fill in for the Umpa Lumpa’s at Willy Wonka’s chocolate factory providing an extension to their public service.

All joking aside, the plow trucks get converted to dump trucks for summer road work and our operators, who in my opinion are some of the best I’ve seen, are out doing road improvements all summer. They are also responsible for keeping rampaging elephants and Polar Bears out of Bonner County. Most folks recognize their good work as you don’t ever see rampaging elephants or Polar Bears anywhere in Bonner County.

But thanks again Thomas for thinking outside the box and coming up with solutions instead of just complaining. I look forward to seeing you run for office.

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